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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sigh.........

When I was a little girl, I loved Barbie. I had every Barbie you could of. My favorite was Day and Night Barbie. I had the office play set as well and I would pretend Barbie was a lawyers secretary. I loved her pretty business skirt suit. When I grew up, I wanted to be that lawyers secretary, wearing the pretty business suit and working in a big fancy office building. I wanted to make lots of money and look it too....

27 years later, not exactly as I had dreamed. Not at all in fact. I never became that beautiful successful women. In fact, the closest I ever came to an office was behind a lobby desk in a hotel, making $12 an hour at most. (I did own a pretty dress suit though, my Grandmother bought it for me one Christmas many years ago.) 

After I graduated high school, I got a job working at Robinsons May in the Petite department at our local mall. It was a part time job, just something for me to do to make a little cash. At that point, I had no desire to return to school. That was one of my biggest mistakes. Instead, I met a scum bag guy that brainwashed me into thinking he hung the moon. I was pregnant by 19. I went through hell, living with his family. When my child was 2 months old, I moved back in with my parents and tried to make something of myself. I went to the local community college and registered for school. I made it through one semester and realized I couldn't hold a full time job, raise my child and study too, so I dropped out. I worked full time at a Marriott Hotel, and for the three years I worked there, I loved it. Life was simple then. Sure I couldn't drive, but I had friends and family I would hang out with. I had a LIFE!

10 years later, I have 8 children. A loving husband that works his butt off to support us. Two dogs with fleas and 3 cats with fleas. I still don't know how to drive and I haven't left the house since I gave birth to my 8th child. The only communication I have with the outside world is my next door neighbor Mel. Now that school has started, my days consist of homeschooling until 3pm, laundry, cleaning and making dinner.

My husband Sean, on the other hand, has a great 9-6 job. Wears nice dress clothes, has a laptop, a smart phone, makes great money and works in a big fancy office building once a week. He travels all over the southern part of our state on a daily basis and meets lots of interesting, professional people. Today, he got to spend the day at a beautiful beach, playing football and having a barbecue with his co-workers. He even got paid to do it. He has the career and social life I wanted.....and I got the barefoot and pregnant housewife job. 

I feel so useless and unimportant. I feel like everything I do is for nothing. Like I'm just here filling space so someone else can live my dream. I'm not saying being a stay at home mom isn't important too, because I know it is. I just feel trapped because I have a paralyzing fear I can't overcome. My life wouldn't be so bad if I could learn to drive. I know a lot of stay at home moms who have it all, because they can cart themselves and their children around. They have hobbies to keep them sane. They have a social life and family to support them. (Sean and I only see my Mother once or twice per year.) We don't have any of that. Sean doesn't like to socialize outside of work. I guess he finds small talk annoying, which is ironic since he gets paid to do just that all day, everyday. He won't let me hire a babysitter because he doesn't trust anyone except my mother with our children. So, here I am, having a pity party blog post for myself. I know, I'm pathetic and need to get a life.......sigh........but thanks for listening anyway!

1 comment:

  1. *HUGS* my friend! I wish I was there to help you out! I could drive you places ;)

    ReplyDelete

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