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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Sorrow

I'm sitting on my bedroom floor. I just finished wrapping my last three Christmas presents for the kids. In the background, Sean has Christmas music playing on his tablet for Sam as he drifts off to sleep. The song that just played is one of my favorite Christmas songs, "Christmas Canon" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra. The voices of those beautiful children singing brought tears to my eyes. Here I am, wrapping presents for my children, who are all safe in there beds, but I can't help but feel guilty. I keep thinking, did the parents of the 20 children in CT get a chance to buy presents for their little angels? Did they even get a chance to wrap them? For the families who did buy toys, what will they do with the toys? I thought to myself, would I be able to return them to the store? Would I want to donate them to some other children who won't be getting presents otherwise? As the song played on, all I could think about were the words, "tiny caskets" uttered by some news caster from CNN yesterday. That's what those parents are getting for Christmas. I thought about President Obama's speech during the Patriots game on Sunday night. Sean and I were standing in our kitchen, silently listening to him talk about change and faith, but when he started to read the names of those children, We both broke down, sobbing uncontrollably, while holding each other. We actually drove through that town once, leaving New England to head West. It really is a beautiful, upper middle class town. Nice people, good food, and clean hotels. Just like thousands of other towns in America. In fact, we live in one ourselves. The schools are suppose to be some of the best in the state. I wouldn't know, since we home school. I thank the Lord everyday that we made the decision to home school our children 5 years ago. All the doubt and second guessing ourselves has now been washed from our minds. Never will we choose to put a single one of our children in public or private school. No matter how nice the town is, or how safe the school seems to be, it will never be safe enough for us. I could not imagine what those poor families are going through right now. I do know that it has made us hold our children a little closer these days and pray a little more. It makes us wonder if the weird 18 year old boy who likes to swing everyday, is safe for our children to talk to (long story). I know this post is the last thing anyone wants to read, with all the depressing new reports. However, I really had nowhere else to express my feelings. I can't talk to Sean about it, he doesn't want to hear about it anymore, nor does my Mother. I, however cannot stop thinking about it. Its all that has been on my mind for days. I feel like I should have to morn as well, because my children ARE alive and safe. They will be visited by Santa this year and enjoy the family fun. When its all over, we will get to tuck our babies into their beds, with their new toys sprawled out all over the floor for us to step on. I can't help but feel awful because the parents of those 20 little angels won't get to experience any of that. I know some of the parents had other children, but how could they even think about Christmas after such a loss? Again, this is all the things that are going through my head, all day every day. It won't stop. I'm so sad for those people and I don't even know them.....

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